


running with bigfoot

by letthecitybreathe



Series: madatobi week 2018 [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Hunters, M/M, MadaTobi Week 2018, and literally everyone else is shane, but like. really shitty ones, izuna is only here because there is alcohol, this is just a shitty buzzfeed unsolved au where hashirama and madara are both ryan, tobirama is here because his brother is a TRAITOR who kidnapped him, touka and mito are only here to make fun of madara and hashirama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 05:29:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15503355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letthecitybreathe/pseuds/letthecitybreathe
Summary: “Guess who you got paired up with on Hashirama’s stupid Bigfoot Buddy System,” Touka says, evilly, because she is an evil person.“No,” he hisses, because if Hashirama paired him up with Madara it will end with one of them dead in the nearest lake.“Think of it this way,” Touka says, ignoring the obvious fact that someone will die. “Now you get to spend time with him, and maybe make out against a tree. Just a thought.”OR, hashirama and madara make everyone go hunting for bigfoot for spring break. tobirama suffers





	running with bigfoot

**Author's Note:**

> "did you also write this fic today" MAYBE SO. its still july 30th somewhere

“You know, most people would be relieved to find an excuse not to work for a week,” Madara says stiffly, as if Tobirama isn’t aware that he’s being unreasonable. No one would logically want to spend their spring break holed up in a library reading books, but Tobirama cannot let himself fall behind on his studies.

“And most people wouldn’t spend their spring break at a seedy motel to find a fairy tale creature, but here you are,” he shoots back as he hoists one of his bags out of the trunk of Madara’s car.

Madara scoffs, because he’s a ridiculous human being who hasn’t had a single rational thought in his life. “Bigfoot isn’t a fairy tale creature you dick,” he says, because he is stupid. “There have been countless bigfoot sightings across this region, and there are even similar creatures found in cultures all across the world and you’re just an _idiot_.”

“That was a really persuasive argument,” Izuna calls out from where he’s lounging in the shotgun seat of the car that he is _supposed_ to be helping unpack. “I’m sure it’ll be even more persuasive once you get the beer unpacked.”

“Which it would be if you actually _helped_ , you demon,” Touka says, picking up three bags at once while Tobirama ignores Mito’s ogling, because Touka is his cousin and they may have been dating for three years now but that doesn’t mean he has to actually _think_ about it, or process what it means. “I can’t handle Hashirama and Madara’s stupid cryptid theories while sober.”

Madara splutters as Izuna cackles, and Tobirama absolutely loathes Hashirama for dragging him along on this stupid fucking trip.

 

“What the hell is that,” Tobirama hears Izuna say through the fog off It Is Way Too Fucking Early O’clock. Tobirama may be an early riser when he needs to be, but he much prefers staying up late reading and sleeping in until noon. He is most definitely _not_ a fan of staying up late while Madara tells stories about fucking bigfoot and then being woken up at four in the morning to search for the goddamn creature.

“It’s a safety helmet,” Hashirama whines, already sounding like a kicked puppy. “Bigfoot’s known for smashing rocks onto people’s heads, so I thought it’d be best to be prepared.”

“Bigfoot isn’t going to kill you because he doesn’t exist,” Izuna yells, “and also you look like an idiot.”

Tobirama can’t help but agree, although he tends to always think Hashirama looks like an idiot. Side effects of growing up with him and remembering his bowl cut phase all too well.

He doesn’t have time to weigh in on that, though, because Touka’s sliding up next to him and elbowing him in the ribs like the monster she is. “Guess who you got paired up with on Hashirama’s stupid Bigfoot Buddy System,” she says, evilly, because she is an evil person.

“No,” he hisses, because if Hashirama paired him up with _Madara_ it will end with one of them dead in the nearest lake.

“Think of it this way,” Touka says, ignoring the obvious fact that someone will die. “Now you get to spend time with him, and maybe make out against a tree. Just a thought.”

“Touka, dear,” Mito says as she hooks her arm around Touka’s, “would you mind helping me apply bug spray to my back?” And then she winks at Tobirama as she pulls a furiously blushing Touka towards the bathroom.

He knew he approved of their relationship for a reason, and if that reason is that it gets Touka to stop talking about crushes he may or may not have divulged to her while drunk, well. His cousin doesn’t need to know that.

 

“There is a stick in my shirt,” Tobirama informs Madara, an hour into their silent hunt for bigfoot.

Tobirama refuses to mentally capitalize the b. That means Madara and Hashirama win, and he will not let them win.

“Shut the fuck up,” Madara hisses as he tries to use a stick to break a spiderweb so it doesn’t get on his face, and instead getting thousands of tiny leaves and twigs stuck in his hair.

It’s the small victories that make life worth living, and Tobirama will take it, even if it means he’ll have to listen to Madara complain about what a mess his hair is. You win some, you lose some. At this point, seeing Madara suffer at all is winning.

He never wanted to know what Madara looked like when he was _sweaty_. Sure, he’d thought about it, and maybe gone a bit into detail that One Time Touka Got Him Drunk That They Do Not Talk About, but that didn’t mean he wanted to _know_. Now his fantasies will be too realistic, and Hashirama will mention going to the gym with Madara, and he’ll have to abandon his family to deal with the shame of getting turned on in the same room as his brother.

Now that he thinks about it, not getting his diploma can’t be that bad. He could herd goats. Maybe learn how to make cheese or butter. He wouldn’t have to see Madara _sweat_ again.

“This is the worst spring break ever,” he says ten minutes later, because Madara is an evil man, and if Tobirama has to stand in silence any longer his brain will torture him.

“You were just going to read your stuffy books the whole time!” Madara whisper yells, because bigfoots (bigfeet?) are apparently very noise sensitive. Tobirama hopes he’s scared off every bigfoot in the area, and that they decide to evolve to live in the ocean because of it.

“And then there wouldn’t be a stick stuck up my shirt!” Tobirama normal yells, because he’s an adult, and because he can. “I’m going back to the motel. Catch up with Hashirama and Izuna.”

“But the buddy system – hey! Stop walking away you bastard!”

 

Tobirama gets back to the motel, and then he thinks about getting very, very drunk, because he is an Adult, and because he Can, and because sometimes he looks at Madara and thinks his heart is going to beat out of his chest. But then he doesn’t get drunk because he _talks_ when he’s drunk, and what if he says something? He said something to Touka once and now she keeps _teasing_ him.

Except then everyone gets back, and Hashirama is all Loudly Disappointed in his direction for disobeying the Bigfoot Buddy System, and Touka keeps _looking_ at him, and Madara _won’t_ look at him.

So. Now he is drunk, and sitting by the empty pool, and perfectly fine.

Or he would be, if Izuna would just leave him _alone_.

“You’re being weird,” Izuna says.

Tobirama ignores him.

At least, he ignores him until Izuna starts poking his face like a toddler. “Stop being weird, Tobi,” he says, acting serious. Tobirama’s long since learned to tell when Izuna’s actually serious and when he’s just being a difficult, though, so he continues to ignore him.

Until one of Izuna’s fingers nearly ends up in his _eye_.

“Would you stop that now?” he says. Well, yells. Now that he thinks about it, he definitely yelled.

Tobirama is maybe drunker than he thought he was.

“Oh, he speaks!” Izuna yells back, but not an angry yelling. This is definitely his I-Am-Very-Drunk-And-Very-Annoying yell, and while not intentionally malicious, it’s _annoying_.

“Do you ever stop speaking?” he asks, trying for a normal volume. He thinks he succeeds, but he may also be whispering. One can never tell.

“Nope,” Izuna says, and then sprawls himself across Tobirama’s lap, because he is the worst. “If I stop talking I’ll die. Got a prescription and everything.”

“You were prescribed…speech?” Tobirama asks, which somehow prompts Izuna to start laughing so hard he falls off of Tobirama’s lap and onto the pavement, where he continues laughing.

“How are you so smart but so _dumb_ ,” Izuna manages to wheeze out.

“I’m not _dumb_ ,” Tobirama shoots back, smartly, because he’s smart. “ _You’re_ dumb.” Nailed it.

This only makes Izuna cackle even louder, somehow, and Tobirama idly wonders if the cheap pool chairs would be heavy enough to bash Izuna’s head in.

“At least I’m not as dumb as your stupid brother,” he mumbles. “At least I don’t believe in _bigfoot_.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Izuna says, sagely, and then, “To not believing in bigfoot.”

“To not believing in bigfoot,” Tobirama repeats, and then takes a sip of Izuna’s beer.

 

On day two, the Bigfoot Buddy System _still_ has Tobirama paired with Madara.

“I put a lot of thought into the Bigfoot Buddy System!” Hashirama says, loudly and enthusiastically. “You can’t just switch it up last minute! And you need to actually stay with your buddy!”

“Stop using so many exclamation points,” Izuna mumbles, and then drops two tabs of Alka-Seltzer into his coffee. Immediately after doing so, he says, “I am an innovator and you are all blessed to know me,” and then downs the whole cup.

Tobirama glowers at his cup of coffee, and then his cup of seltzer, and curses himself for not taking the most efficient route.

Madara is still Not Looking at Tobirama, but that’ll all be fine as soon as Tobirama figures out how to Not Look at Madara, too. Any second now and he’ll get the trick to it, once he just…stops looking. It has to work eventually. Today can’t be as bad as yesterday was.

 

Tobirama ends up puking in a bush, and Madara yells at him for scaring off all the bigfeet.

 

The third day is better, if only because Tobirama isn’t hungover, and Madara’s starting to look pissed about waking up at the ass crack of dawn to hunt for a monster they still haven’t found. Except it’s also worse, because a lack of sleep somehow makes Madara look even _more_ attractive. He has a face suited for under eye shadows.

Tobirama really hopes he’s the one who ends up dead in these woods, because if he has to live the rest of his life knowing Madara still looks handsome when he’s sleep deprived he thinks he’ll go insane.

“Maybe we should try mating calls today,” Hashirama says over their breakfast of Eggo waffles and instant coffee.

“I don’t want to know about your bigfoot kink,” Izuna says.

Tobirama misses his books.

 

The fourth day, Hashirama relents and lets them spend some time in the town rather than spend the whole day in the woods. It is, as expected, completely bigfoot themed.

“Look, Tobi!” Hashirama says, because he is a puppy of a man. “There’s even a bigfoot bookstore!”

“Joy,” he says flatly. “The one thing I’d wished to find in life. A bigfoot bookstore. My life’s goal is finally complete.”

In the end, Tobirama doesn’t even get to go into the bookstore, because Hashirama drags them to the bigfoot museum.

It is, in Tobirama’s opinion, the most useless museum he’s ever been in.

Hashirama and Madara are off in one corner, looking at “artefacts” and “evidence” as if they haven’t read everything there is to read on the bigfoot online forums, and Izuna’s off taking ironic pictures to document their trip, which leaves Tobirama stuck with Touka.

“So,” she says, and she is still evil. “Any progress? Have you two made out against a tree yet?”

“I will gut you like a fish,” Tobirama says, staring blankly at one of the displays.

“Imagine how much less bigfoot hunting you’ll have to do,” she says. “Mito and I get to make out against trees _all day_. Think of it, Tobi.”

He does not think of it, and also leaves the shitty fucking museum. The bookstore _has_ to be better than this.

 

(It’s all he can think about that night, about Madara’s mouth against his. He’s always so _hot_ , like there’s a fire right underneath his skin. Tobirama thinks he’d overheat just from touching him, and that alone should be reason enough to abandon this infatuation.

He still wants it so badly that it’s hard to breathe through the tight bundle of _wantneed **want**_ in his chest.)

 

The next morning Hashirama wakes them early _again_ to go on this useless hunt through the woods. Tobirama lays in bed for fifteen minutes debating the pros and cons of faking an injury, but ultimately decides that nothing is worth having Hashirama worry over him.

He’s just stepped out of his room, only barely awake enough to go out into the woods, when he hears Madara’s voice from around the corner and instinctively freezes.

“I don’t think the buddy system plan is working,” he says, and he sounds…disappointed, almost. Not in the overdramatic way Hashirama does disappointment, but quiet and almost sad. “He’s _still_ barely talking to me.”

“Have you tried the conversation starters I gave you?” Hashirama asks, and they’re talking about _him_ , Tobirama realizes with a dull shock.

“Of course I haven’t tried those! One of them is literally, ‘what is your favorite color?’ We’re not children, Hashirama, I can’t just ask him that!”

“Have you even tried talking to him at all?” Hashirama asks, and the despair in his voice is practically visible. “Please tell me you haven’t just been walking through the woods in silence the whole time.”

“I wanted to let him talk when he was comfortable! You don’t even know for sure that he likes me, I can’t just make a fool of myself!”

Tobirama closes his door very loudly, because if they don’t stop talking he thinks he is going to stop breathing entirely.

“Can we get this over with?” he says as he tries to ignore the way that Madara’s Definitely Not Looking at him while also blushing furiously.

“Right!” Hashirama says, so obviously nervous that Tobirama would laugh at him if it wouldn’t lead to him having to explain what he just heard.

 

Madara keeps twitching, and it’d be funny if it didn’t make Tobirama remember the conversation he overheard earlier, which promptly made him feel equal measures warm and nervous, because what if he misunderstood? What if Madara simply meant likes him as a friend or an acquaintance, and Tobirama makes a fool of himself?

But Tobirama isn’t one for keeping secrets like this. For all that he loves to learn, he’s never liked knowledge being unknowingly or unwillingly shared with him.

He clears his throat, mainly just to watch Madara jump, before just…diving right into it.

“I overheard you talking to Hashirama this morning,” he says, and Madara stops walking so quickly that Tobirama runs into him.

“That was a private conversation,” Madara says, and his voice is low and steely and it really shouldn’t be doing things to Tobirama but it _is_.

“That you just happened to be having right outside of my door,” he shoots back before he can remember that he’s trying to be nice about this. “And anyway, there’s nothing shameful about wanting to be friends with someone.”

“Friends!” Madara practically squeaks, his voice so high pitched that it’s almost difficult to discern what he’s saying. “Yes, that’s it, you’ve caught me.”

Everything in Tobirama’s body turns to ice, and then thaws so suddenly he thinks he might burn.

“No it isn’t,” he murmurs, reaching out to curl his fingers around Madara’s hip, and then he turns Madara around and pushes him up against the nearest tree and kisses the shit out of him.

 

(“Maybe this is better than hunting for bigfoot,” Madara mumbles against his mouth an hour later, and Tobirama can’t help but agree.)

**Author's Note:**

> in this fic instead of meeting at the riverbed hashirama and madara met at a cryptid hunting club but all their friends made fun of them for believing in cryptids. "maybe someday we can build a village for people who believe in cryptids" madara says. "that'd be so beautiful" hashirama says, in tears. "you guys are fucking weird" izuna says, passing through the kitchen and walking past their pillow fort so he can get some hummus.
> 
> anyway im on tumblr as [glitteratti](http://glitteratti.tumblr.com)! come say hi


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